How I Became a Natural Birth Advocate

If you would have met me five years ago and talked to me about my plans for birth you most likely would have heard me say "I'm going to get an epidural as soon as I find out I'm pregnant."  Yes, I did used to say that and quite often.  You see I do not have a high pain tolerance. In fact I am really terrible with pain.  The first time my now husband took me backpacking I cried out in agony when I had to walk through an ice cold stream. 

our first backpacking trip (before I cried)

Tears and all.

I also just assumed that my babies would be born in a hospital.  I mean, where else are babies born? I had no idea midwifes existed and I am a bit embarrassed to admit that my first exposure to them was through a foreign thriller movie.




I had always pictured myself being driven to the hospital in a mad rush, screaming from the pain and cursing Mark for doing this to me. When in the labor and delivery room I would get my epidural and chat with friends and family until it was time to push.  Then, after the baby was seamlessly born I would give the baby a bottle and simply enjoy my stay in the hotel hospital.  I would be so content in the postpartum  room that they would literally have to push me out of there.


It was not until I googled the term 'midwife' while watching said foreign film that my curosity about a career in the birth field would spark a passion that would lead to me becoming a student midwife, natural birth advocate, lactivist and intactavist. It is strange when you look back on your life and can pin point the exact moment of when your life takes a dramatic turn and leads you to your current mission.  The first time you are exposed to a health and human rites issue that makes you want to spend your life raising awareness and educating others about is truly a life changing event and I will always remember that not-so-great foreign film that introduced me to this world of activism.


After watching the film I did a little research and thought  'I could do that'.  And so it began.  I ordered a few books off Amazon.com including one by Ina May and one by Henci Goer in hopes to learn a little more about this new (to me) and very different kind of birth: birth without doctors.


I certainly got more then I bargained for!


Not only did I learn about the midwife's model of care and how it differs from the techno-medical model of care that hospitals use and the importance of breastfeeding but I learned about the regular use of a counter-indicated (not just off-label!) abortion drug 

note the pregnant lady with the line crossing through her!

that is used to induce labor in hospitals, the lack of informed consent and the sky-high cesarean rate.


I was shocked.  Never in my life have my opinions turned 360 degrees on an issue in so little time (and anyone that knows me knows I am a very passionate and opinionated person. My mind is not swayed easily).


 I was furious.  How could I have not known this information.


I was betrayed.  By the system and by society for giving me a false sense of comfort and perpetuating the illusion that hospitals are the safest place to birth.


I went from the feeling that only crazies and hippies birthed at home to felling that homebirth was the best option. I now understood the women who wanted to so badly to birth without drugs.  The same women that I previously thought to be a bit extreme I now knew were just educated. I am also positive that if every expectant woman read Pushed by Jennifer Block, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer, and Ina May's Guide To Childbirth or watched The Business of Being Born and  Pregnant in America 100% of women would view birth differently and maybe feel just as betrayed by the system as I did.


I am incredibly thankful that I stumbled onto this knowledge before I became pregnant with out first born for I do not think I would have taken the time to search out a care provider that had statistics I could trust and employed women that I could bond with. I also would have not done everything in my power to avoid medical induction, augmentations and a cesarean.  Unfortunately, plans don't always turn out they way we like and I did end up being transfered to a hospital, augmented with an IV, epidural analgesia and pitocin and ended up at part of the birth center's 7% cesarean rate. 


I have suffered from birth trauma over the fact that the birth of my daughter turned out being the exact experience I did everything in my power to avoid; the only way I have been able to move past this trauma has been healing through writing, birth circles, good friends, the best husband and the fact that I do feel confident that I did give it my best.

my precious daughter after a cesarean delivery

 Ignorance may be bliss but the curse of knowledge is that you can't ignore what you know. Having the birth experience I did allowed me to experience birth center care and hospital care in a single birth.  Walking away with both experienced has fueled my desire to advocate for natural birth and midwifery care even more. I will spend my life trying to change the system and inform women of the facts and obstacles they face so even when births do not go as planned the woman and baby will rest assured that the care they will receive from me will be evidence based and will not be fueled by birth politics.

Wellness Tea Recipe

I love making my own loose leaf teas and this is one of my all time favorite recipes.  Similar recipes are know as  Woman's tea or Pregnancy tea but I choose to name my version a wellness tea because in my house my husband and four year old benefit from it too. 


All my herbs are purchased from a bulk herb store that has a wonderful selection and unbeatable prices.

Here are the ingredients: 

Red raspberry leaf (2 parts)

Nettle (2 parts)

Oatstraw (1 part)

Alfalfa ( ½ part)

Rose hips ( ½ part)

Red clover ( ¼  part)

Spearmint ( ¼ part)

Now I am thirsty...

Here is a bit about each of the ingredients from bulkherbstore.com

           

Red raspberry leaf 

                        Red Raspberry is used as a basic herbal foundation for all female organs and problems. It is in many female combinations.  Strengthens wall of uterus and entire female reproductive system.  Decreases profuse menstrual flow.  Good during all months of pregnancy. Alleviates morning sickness and nausea. Has been used as a preventative for hemorrhaging during labor. Assists labor, makes delivery easier and relieves after pains. Tones and regulates before, during and after childbirth.  Increases and enriches milk for lactation, can be combined with marshmallow tea.  Raspberry tea is mild and pleasant to taste. It is good for stomachaches and bowl problems in children. For diarrhea in babies.  Soothing to stomach and bowels and cankerous conditions of mucous membranes in the alimentary canal.  High mineral and vitamin source. Has been used in the following:  Nausea, Antacid, Childbirth, Colds, Coughs, Diarrhea, Digestion, Female problems, Fevers ,Flatulence – gas, Flu – influenza, Gastritis, Labor pains, Decreases menstrual flow, Miscarriage, Mucous membranes, Afterpains of childbirth, Nursing, Pregnancy, Strengthens and tones uterus

           

Nettle 

                        Like many bitter herbs, nettle is a blood purifier. Its long list of traditional uses can be summed up in its ability to increase the production of urine, its mild laxative effect and its ability to increase the efficiency of liver and kidney function. Besides these general effects, folk use points to the herb’s affinity for treating imbalances of the mucous membranes. It has traditionally been used to treat asthma, ulcers, bronchitis, jaundice, nephritis, hemorrhoids and spasmodic dysmenorrhea. Contains bitter compounds that increase the flow of urine, are antiseptic, and relieve pains. It also contains astringent compounds that shrink inflamed tissues and stop bleeding. Nettle has been used to treat urinary tract infections, respiratory tract infections, inflammatory skin conditions, diarrhea, and asthma.

           

Oatstraw 

                        A tea or extract of this herbal product is the most effective way of obtaining its virtues. The dried plant material is too fibrous to be eaten directly. Oatgrass tea is said to relieve hysteria and balance the menstrual cycle of females. Further, it is touted as a prevention for osteoporosis and a quick cure of urinary tract infections. Little is known about the chemistry of oatgrass. We performed a nutritional analysis on it for this work but little else is available. It ranks as the best terrestrial source of magnesium in our study. Magnesium deficiency has been linked to menstrual disorders, irritability and poor calcium absorption. This may contribute to its folk uses. Contains mucilaginous compounds as well as crude fiber that encourage normal bowel function. These compounds reduce bowel transit time, absorb toxins and enhance the efficiency of digestion. Oatstraw is an excellent herbal source of magnesium.             The herb has been used to treat hysteria, calcium deficiency, nervous disorders, urinary tract infections and osteoporosis. Oatstraw is high or very high on the following nutrients: Calcium, Chromium, Crude Fiber, Dietary Fiber, Magnesium, Vitamin A, Silicon, Sodium

           

Alfalfa ( I don't always add this)

                        Contains bitter compounds that enhance the efficiency of digestion by increasing appetite and the assimilation of nutrients. These compounds also lower blood pressure and balance estrogenic hormones. Alfalfa is an excellent herbal source of vitamin A, vitamin C, niacin, and vitamin B-1. The herb has been used to treat debility, anorexia, arthritis, weak digestion, hypertension and gout.

           

Rose hips 

                        Rose Hips are the dried fruit of roses. They contain a good deal of vitamin C and vitamin C complex. Rose Hips are especially good for stress and fighting infections. Rose Hips also have bioflavonoid which affects the heart and circulatory system, particularly strengthening the capillaries.

           

Red clover 

                        It is often compared to alfalfa both for its nutritional value and appearance. The flowers are used in folk medicine as a cure for any lump or tumor. They are reported to have diuretic, expectorant, antispasmodic and estrogenic properties. Red clover is a blood purifier that increases the body’s production of urine and mucous and promotes menstrual flow. It is most often combined with chaparral as a folk remedy for cancer. Red clover has been used to treat cancer, rheumatism, jaundice, inflammatory skin conditions (acne), spasmodic dysmenorrhea and bronchitis. Contain bitter compounds that increase the production of digestive fluids and enzymes, especially bile. These compounds also shrink inflammation and relieve pains. Red clover is an excellent herbal source of calcium, chromium, magnesium, phosphorus, and potassium. It has been used to treat arthritis, jaundice, liver congestion, muscle cramps, and inflammatory skin conditions.

           

Spearmint 

                        Contains aromatic compounds that increase the production of digestive fluids and enzymes, relieve smooth muscle spasms, increase blood circulation, promote sweating, relieve pain and are antiseptic. It also contains astringent compounds that shrink inflamed tissues. Spearmint has been used to treat indigestion, morning sickness, nausea, menstrual cramps, flatulence, muscle aches, flu and vomiting.

Change of Plans: cross-posted from The Yippie Mama

Again, as things often do in our house, plans have changed in regards to my schooling.  The previous plan was for me to begin classes for direct-entry midwifery at Aviva in January.  I love the school and the plan but after months of going back and forth over what I want my end goal to be I have, yet again, and for the last time changed my mind.

I have debated for and against the benefits of becoming a direct-entry midwife and over the possibility of becoming a nurse midwife.  Lists have been made, research has been conducted and I have discussed endlessly with family and friends the reasons that I prefer the direct-entry approach:

-community based learning
-hands-on approach
-more financially feasible
-all education being midwifery specific
-working in a home-birth setting
-online program
-not to mention that  my views of birth are more aligned with the direct-entry approach

as well as the reasons that I have reservations over this approach:

-the possibility of relocating to Portland in order to obtain my births in the allotted time (making it no so community based)
-I would be unable to work or apprentice at the wonderful Mountain Midwifery, our local birth center
-I would only be certified to attend births at home

I have also been considering the nurse-midwife approach. Of course, in my mind I always think of the cons first because this really is the option I least prefer of the two.  Realistically though, the reality of our situation keeps leading me back to this path. So this is what appeals to me about this option:

-financial security for our self-employed family
-ability to work in a home setting, birth center setting or hospital setting
-insurance
-job stability (as much as one can expect this)
-mainly online / no need to relocate

Then there are always the reservations:

-three years of non-specific education
-large time commitment (5 years instead of 3)
-lack of agreement in the routine interventions and the medicalization of normal birth that is taught to L and D nurses

After considering all the possibilities I am confident to say that even though it may not have been my original plan I am very happy and excited with the decision to first attend nursing school then continue on to earn my masters in nurse-midwifery.

The best way to affect change is from the inside right? And boy is our maternity system due for some
change.

Get it? Due. 

So here is my new plan of action.  Attend Arapahoe Community for my pre-requisites and Associates in Nursing then transfer to Frontier School of Midwifery and Nursing for the bridge to masters program and finally the masters in nurse-midwifery.  After 5 (8 if you count the out-of-school studying) long years I will finally be a midwife.

I am very excited to take the next step of my life in January!

No Longer Movin' on Over

I feel as if I have established an audience with this blog and I do not want to loose all of my wonderful readers so I am no longer going to combine my two blogs.  The Yippie Mama will stay separate and, although I may cross post, I will attempt to draw a clear line between the two parts of my life.  This may be unsuccessful as I do love me some natural birth advocacy! But I will try.


Thank you to all my wonderful readers!!

why Midwifery Part 1: Why are people choose OB /GYNs over Midwifes

I can name thirteen friends, myself included, who have been pregnant over the past two years. Out of them I can count on a single hand those who have gone to a midwife for care.  Actually I can count then with two fingers.  One, myself, went to an out-of-hospital birth center and number two went to an in-hospital midwife.

Seven of the thirteen friends were induced.

Six were first time moms whose labors ended with cesareans. 

Two labored without drugs. (This includes myself but I will disclose that my daughter was born surgically requiring me to get an epidural for the procedure)

A single mother completed the entire birth process without drugs.

What these numbers are telling me are that more then half of these women can not labor and birth without medical intervention.

Does that seem correct?

The World Health Organization  (WHO) tells us that once the cesarean limit exceeds 10-15% the risks of the procedure outweighing its benefits .  Our national average is at 31.8%.  Colorado’s cesarean rate is 25.9% (click here for a list of ceserean rates by state) 

So why is our rate so high?  According to Childbirth Connection there are 7 reasons:

-Low priority of enhancing women's own abilities to give birth

-Side effects of common labor interventions

-Refusal to offer the informed choice of vaginal birth

-Casual attitudes about surgery and cesarean sections in particular

-Limited awareness of harms that are more likely with cesarean section

-Providers' fears of malpractice claims and lawsuits

-Incentives to practice in a manner that is efficient for providers. (emphasis mine)

All of these reasons coincide with OB /GYN care and are contrary to the midwife model of care.  But I will get to this later..

Now I am digressing…

The point is not that the cesarean rate is rising to epidemic proportion; rather I am posing a question:

Why are women in our country choosing to use OBs over midwives?

I understand that it is engrained in our culture that you go to a hospital for birth and to OB /GYN for pre-natal care but I want to change that.  My hope is that as midwifery becomes more mainstream people will conduct their own research and make an informed decision.  I know too many people who go to a provider just because it is easy to go to someone who is in-network or close.  Are these good reasons to choose the person overseeing one of the most emotional and important events in your life?  Is the fact that something is easy a good reason to choose anything in life?  Now, I am not saying that people who go to OB /GYNs are uneducated or making the wrong choice, but I do believe that sometimes people go to an OB /GYN because they are under-informed or misinformed. I often think that people forget that care providers are providing a service and that you can shop around until you find the one that best suites you. Sometime this will be a midwife other times it will be an OB. You wouldn’t just buy the first pair of jeans you tried on in a store would you?  So why choose the first care provider you run into?

Fear also dictates choice.  Couples choose OB /GYNs for the ‘just in case’ or ‘what if’ factor believing that a hospital is the safest place to birth. My response to this is look at the research. Women who planned homebirths overseen by midwifes experienced “significantly lower risk of obstetric interventions and adverse outcomes, including augmentation of labour, electronic fetal monitoring, epidural analgesia, assisted vaginal delivery, cesarean section, hemorrhage, and infection” when compared to a group of women who had in-hospital physician attended births according to a study in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.

Additionally women who birthed in out-of-hospital birth centers were half as likely to have a cesarean section and had a similar rate of death among babies after 20 weeks of pregnancy or in the first four weeks after birth. This information is from the website Childbirth Connection.  Here is a link to a great article that compare physician attended births, in-hospital birth center births, out-of-hospital birth center births , and homebirths against each other.

In reality though the majority of the people I spoke with did not even consider a midwife because they didn’t know they had an option. 

We do have options and our choices do influence. This is the great aspect of such a varied maternity care system- there truly is a care provider for every type of woman.  For those who have a fear of hospitals and prefer a home like setting you can hire a certified home-birth midwife. For the person who wants the safety of a hospital relationship but wants to avoid the interventions that are common placed in hospitals there are free standing birth centers run by nurse midwives.  For in hospital birth women have the options of hospital based nurse midwives who work under the OB /GYNs, Family Practitioners as well as an OB /GYN.

Moving on Over

I have had numerous requests for  a more encompassing blog and since I am moving away from facebook and moving into the blogosphere I figured why not.  So, in order to write about family, life and midwifery I am moving my Mothers Journey into Midwifery posts over to my Yippie Mama blog.  Please feel free to follow that blog as I will be closing this one down at the New Year.

Here is the link: Yippie Mama

Thanks for reading and I hope to see all of you there!

MOMS for the 21st Century

MOMS for the 21^st Century Act

Please think about taking action and help to demand that care providers use evidence based practices.

 Groups that support this legislation include Amnesty International, Childbirth Connection, The Big Push for Midwives Campaign, the American College of Nurse-Midwives, the National Association of Certified Professional Midwives, the American Association of Birth Centers, and the Midwives Alliance of North America.

This important legislation, whose full title is Maximizing Optimal Maternity Services  21st Century Act,  Amends the Public Health Service Act to require the Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS), acting through the Office on Women's Health, to:

(1)- establish the Interagency Coordinating Committee on the Promotion of Optimal Maternity Outcomes; and

(2)-develop and implement a consumer education campaign to promote understanding and acceptance of evidence-based maternity practices and models of care for optimal maternity outcomes among women of childbearing ages and families of such women. Requires the Secretary, acting through the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, to make publicly available and update an online bibliographic database identifying systematic reviews for care of childbearing women and newborns. Requires the Secretary, acting through the Administrator of the Health Resources and Services Administration, to:

a- designate maternity care health professional shortage areas under the National Health Service Corps program;

b-establish a loan repayment program to alleviate critical shortages of maternal care professionals; and

(3)- award planning and implementation grants to address workforce disparities for such professionals. Directs the Secretary to support the establishment of two additional Centers for Excellence on Optimal Maternity Outcomes to conduct research to improve maternity outcomes. Requires the Secretary to convene a Maternity Curriculum Commission to discuss and make recommendations for:

a- a shared core maternity care curriculum;

b- strategies to integrate and coordinate education across maternity care disciplines; and

c- pilot demonstrations of interdisciplinary educational models. Amends title XVIII (Medicare) of the Social Security Act to cover services provided by a supervised student midwife or an intern or resident-in-training under a teaching program under certain circumstances.

(http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h5807/show)

What can you do? Contact your representative and tell them to support this important groundbreaking act.  Find your representative at: http://www.house.gov/

Follow the bill as it goes through congress! http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h5807/show 

Happy Birthday Cora!

Our birth was originally planned to take place at Mountain Midwifery but due to a prolonged labor, failure to progress from 7cm, and eventually risking out of birth center care at 42 weeks we were transfered to Swedish Medical Center where the wonderful Dr. M. Hall went in after him / her. 

On October 9, 2009, at 6.11 pm we found out that the 7 lb. 9 oz baby was a baby girl! From that moment on we have continued falling in love with our daughter. This is a short video of our journey through a castor oil induction and five days of labor to meet our Cora Beth.

(I will always claim she was born 70% at MMC and 30% at Swedish)

Disclaimer: for those of you who don't want to see any of the 'gross' birth stuff, rest assured there is none 

5 Things You Should Avoid Saying To A Woman Who Has Had An Unwanted Cesarean

Preface:

I have been holding off on this post for weeks for fear that it may offend those that visited us after the birth of our daughter, not wanting them to believe that they said, or did not say, something offensive. Then, after talking with a new friend, I came to the conclusion that it is okay for people to disagree. Everyone views birth differently, but the only way to help each other heal is share our stories. So here goes some open communication.

Last week I attended my first Birth Circle through the midwifery center that received care from.  A birth circle is a get together of women who share their birth stories with each other in an effort to heal and understand what happened during their labors or postpartum period.  Some of the issues we talked about were difficult labors, hospital transfers, breastfeeding issues and NICU experiences.  Every story was different and the entire experience was very inspiring.  After five hours of listen to everyone’s stories we started talking about how good it was to talk with other like-minded women.  I found out that, like me, every other mother found it difficult to talk about their birth experience with women who choose to birth at hospitals.  Of course not all women who choose hospital births feel this way, but I have felt a sort of ‘I told you so’ attitude when people find out that my labor ended with an emergency cesarean, IF they even inquire.

Since the birth circle I have thought a lot about this issue and I came up with a list of five things that people should avoid saying to a woman who has had an unwanted cesarean.  Again, some women may be content with their surgical birth experience, but others are not.  We need to support every mother no matter her opinion, not judge her.

5 Things You Should Avoid Saying To A Woman Who Has Had An Unwanted Cesarean:

1-    What is said: “It’s a good thing you were in a hospital.”

What is heard:   “Told you so.”

If a woman chooses not to birth in a hospital there is a reason.  Maybe she has a fear of hospitals, maybe she is attempting to avoid unnecessary intervention, maybe she believes that birth is a life event and not a medical event. No matter the reason, if a woman is transferred to a hospital it is most likely the absolutely last place she wants to be.  Be sensitive! Hospitals are great when there is a need but that does not mean that the mother wants to be there.

2-    What is said: “ At least you are both healthy and okay.”

What is heard:  “Your process does not matter.”

Yes the baby arrived, hopefully unharmed, and the mother survived but that does not mean they are okay. 

During a vaginal birth the baby experiences the thoracic squeeze and clears all the fluid out of her lungs.  She is also exposed to vital bacteria in the birth canal that protect her from the outside world.  A baby born via cesarean does not experience these benefits and is more likely to have lower apgar scores, experience difficulties breastfeeding and is, in most cases, denied skin to skin contact with her mother directly following the birth.

If you have had a cesarean you know that surviving does not equal okay.  Not only are you denied the emotional bond of immediate skin to skin contact with your child, but you may soon find out that you hurt to much to pick your child up when she cries (what a crushing feeling!!).  You feel absolutely helpless while still medicated to the point that you shake uncontrollably and struggle to stay awake to meet your child.  When you expect a natural unmediated birth weather it be in your home, a birth center, or a hospital, surgery is the last thing you expect and the shock can be quite traumatic.

3-    What is said: “The only thing that matters is that the baby is healthy.”

What is heard: “ You are being selfish and putting your desires above your child’s needs.”

No one will argue that a healthy baby and mother are the most important when talking about birth outcomes, but that does not mean they are the only important factors.  People often focus only on the child and forget that a mother is also made during birth. The way that the mother perceives and experiences her child’s birth affects not only her relationship with her child, significant other and care provider, but it can also affect subsequent births. 

A mother who already feels cheated out of her birth does not need to also feel guilty.  Even though you may not mean to evoke feelings of guilt by dismissing her feelings you inevitably do.

4-    What is said: “You can always try for a natural birth with your next child.”

What is heard: “ Try, try again”

First of all, who is to say that post-operative mom will have another child.  Maybe the surgery will leave her unable to conceive or carry another baby to term (two possible complications from cesarean), maybe birth ptsd will leave her mentally unsure she could handle another birth experience (yes, this is a real condition), or maybe she just flat out does not want another child. Weather she does or does not plan to have another child the possibility of a fulfilling birth experience does not heal the brokenness of a bad birth experience.  She must first heal before she can move on.

5-    What is said: nothing.

What is heard: “I don’t really care what happened. I am just here to see the baby.”

This can be the most hurtful of the ‘5 Don’ts’. What the mother needs more than anything is support not denial or ignorance. When someone says something, anything, uninformed support  is far above a complete lack of any. Now, you may just not know what to say or you may not know that she wants to talk about it, but open the door to her, support her and just listen. Talking through her story will help her heal.

The conclusion of this talks me back to something I constantly repeat. Women must come together and support each other. Our culture lacks this sisterhood bond that prevailed us and it is detrimental to, not only the birth process, but to friendships as well.

Pleasantly Surprised

Just last night I was in the car with a *very* pregnant friend on our way to the Just Between Friends consignment pre-sale (I love that place!) and out of the blue she said to me "You would be proud of D and I.  We have become serious breastfeeding advocates."  She then went on to tell me about the breastfeeding class they took and how it really opened up their eyes to, not only the benefits, but about all the misinformation surrounding breastfeeding. They went from being parents who did not care either way at the beginning of pregnancy to being adamant that mama's milk is all baby t.b.a. receives.

At first I was shocked to hear this.  Was this the same couple that just a few months ago I was weary to nurse without a cover around? Then, as she went on about their enlightenment I breathed a sigh of relief. Not because I was ever scared for baby or parents but because it is so incredibly wonderful to  hear that informed words did not fall on deaf ears.  I have always been very careful when giving out advise and information regarding any of the three Bs (babies, birth, breastfeeding) to friends because I know that it is a sensitive subject and you can easily offend people.  Especially mothers!  Out of this group of friends I was the only person who specifically wanted a natural birth and knew from the start that there was going to be absolutely no formula given to my babies. I know that some people have the view that I put to much emphases on 'natural' living and that they just do not get it, so it is very heartwarming to see people do the research themselves and independently come to the same outlook. 

Cheers to you mama and papa to be! 

A letter to my High-need Daughter

I had only ever met one high-need baby in my ten years of working with kids - a three month old who I nannied for in Seattle.  This little baby, who was huge for his age, was a very precious only child to a couple who practiced ecological breastfeeding, baby-wearing and, if my experience serves me correct, co-sleeping.  I did not understand at the time why the mother was so particular about knowing the baby's schedule. Nor did I understand her constant concerned voice over the phone when she would call 3-5 times throughout the day finding out how the child was doing.  I now fully understand.  I had thought that parents who complained about their 'difficult' babies were exaggerating when they said that they did not know if they could ever be emotionally ready for a second child.  Again, I now understand.

A letter to my wonderfully needy high-need daughter

My Dear Cora Beth, in so little time we have been through so much.  You have taught me more about myself and my relationships with others in your first year of life then anyone previous. The first time I held you against my skin I felt a rush of love ill compared. I was going to do everything in my power to help you along in this world.  I only hope that I serve you well in your eyes.

From hour one you nursed like a champ (we should have know then that you would have a love for food), slept wonderfully and let anyone hold you.  This wonderful temperament that typical newborns have was short-lived.  You soon began to use me as a pacifier, screamed when you were not held, slept only in arms, and refused bottles.  Then at three months you began screaming if anyone but me even looked at you, or God forbid tried to hold you!  It was the first time that papa had to hold a screaming you outside the shower with the door cracked so you could see me while I washed that we finally gave in and labeled you as a high-need baby. Thank you Dr. Sears for the kind term! I could go on for pages about the sleepless nights or missed outings over the past year but instead I would like to focus on the positive aspects of having a high-need daughter. Because like I said before you, my precious daughter, you have taught me more then I could imagine.

Patience - Before you I will admit that I had lived a bit of a spoiled life. The extent of my patience was waiting 30 minutes for the delivery man to bring my food.  Now I have the ability to see the long-term benefits of my efforts.  Whether it is waking up every hour to calmly nurse you back to sleep or holding you for your two hour naps because I know that you have a better chance of sleeping well at night if you are rested in the day.  I know that if I attend to your need it makes the need disappear and helps to aid you in creating a secure self-image.  Everything I do is to help you become a happy, healthy and secure person even if it means quitting my job because you refuse to let anyone else care for you.

Self confidence- You would not imagine the grief someone gets for being an attachment parent!  When people learn that you do not bottle feed they ask why I don't think that others should have the bonding experience of feeding my baby.  Like you gave me a choice!  When people learn that we co-sleep comments are sometimes made about how parents 'need their own space' or that we are 'coddling the child'. People comment on how much you are held or how I breastfeed you on cue. But my favorite is when people learn that I have not left you for more then three hours at a time in your entire life.  It makes me laugh when people offer to 'break you'.  Funny, I did not know you were a horse.  Through all of the questioning looks I hold true to my commitment to you.  I look at how far you have come over the past year and you give me all the proof and confidence I need when my parenting practices are questioned.  We have an amazingly close relationship that I would never trade for a night out.

Empathy- The mother-child relationship is the most influential on this trait.  If a mother responds promptly and with empathy to a babies needs the child will grow up with empathy instilled.  If a parent responds with aggression and impatiens the child will learn the traits respectively.

There are times when the last thing I want to do is put aside my needs / wants and attend to you.  I will admit that I have a selfish side (surprising, I know). But when I looked at the situation from your point of view I realized that crying is your only way of verbalizing a need or fear.  This realization completely changed my approach to not only our relationship but all relationships.  I now always try to not only see but to understand every angle of a situation before I decide how to respond.  Being the main caregiver of an infant is a life changing experience.  To be solely in charge of another persons life makes you realize that haircuts, new clothing and a clean house are nowhere near as important as a content baby sleeping on your lap.

Yes, this first year has been sleep-less, challenging and draining but it has also been full of empathy, patience, lessons and love.  You, and your big brother, have taught me what is to be a mother and I will forever be thankful for that.  For you are my life and I will gladly live it parallel to yours.

Lots of loves-

Mama

-What is a high-need baby?  Check out Dr. Sears article 12 Features of a High-Need Baby:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050400.asp