5 Things You Should Avoid Saying To A Woman Who Has Had An Unwanted Cesarean

Preface:

I have been holding off on this post for weeks for fear that it may offend those that visited us after the birth of our daughter, not wanting them to believe that they said, or did not say, something offensive. Then, after talking with a new friend, I came to the conclusion that it is okay for people to disagree. Everyone views birth differently, but the only way to help each other heal is share our stories. So here goes some open communication.

Last week I attended my first Birth Circle through the midwifery center that received care from.  A birth circle is a get together of women who share their birth stories with each other in an effort to heal and understand what happened during their labors or postpartum period.  Some of the issues we talked about were difficult labors, hospital transfers, breastfeeding issues and NICU experiences.  Every story was different and the entire experience was very inspiring.  After five hours of listen to everyone’s stories we started talking about how good it was to talk with other like-minded women.  I found out that, like me, every other mother found it difficult to talk about their birth experience with women who choose to birth at hospitals.  Of course not all women who choose hospital births feel this way, but I have felt a sort of ‘I told you so’ attitude when people find out that my labor ended with an emergency cesarean, IF they even inquire.

Since the birth circle I have thought a lot about this issue and I came up with a list of five things that people should avoid saying to a woman who has had an unwanted cesarean.  Again, some women may be content with their surgical birth experience, but others are not.  We need to support every mother no matter her opinion, not judge her.

5 Things You Should Avoid Saying To A Woman Who Has Had An Unwanted Cesarean:

1-    What is said: “It’s a good thing you were in a hospital.”

What is heard:   “Told you so.”

If a woman chooses not to birth in a hospital there is a reason.  Maybe she has a fear of hospitals, maybe she is attempting to avoid unnecessary intervention, maybe she believes that birth is a life event and not a medical event. No matter the reason, if a woman is transferred to a hospital it is most likely the absolutely last place she wants to be.  Be sensitive! Hospitals are great when there is a need but that does not mean that the mother wants to be there.

2-    What is said: “ At least you are both healthy and okay.”

What is heard:  “Your process does not matter.”

Yes the baby arrived, hopefully unharmed, and the mother survived but that does not mean they are okay. 

During a vaginal birth the baby experiences the thoracic squeeze and clears all the fluid out of her lungs.  She is also exposed to vital bacteria in the birth canal that protect her from the outside world.  A baby born via cesarean does not experience these benefits and is more likely to have lower apgar scores, experience difficulties breastfeeding and is, in most cases, denied skin to skin contact with her mother directly following the birth.

If you have had a cesarean you know that surviving does not equal okay.  Not only are you denied the emotional bond of immediate skin to skin contact with your child, but you may soon find out that you hurt to much to pick your child up when she cries (what a crushing feeling!!).  You feel absolutely helpless while still medicated to the point that you shake uncontrollably and struggle to stay awake to meet your child.  When you expect a natural unmediated birth weather it be in your home, a birth center, or a hospital, surgery is the last thing you expect and the shock can be quite traumatic.

3-    What is said: “The only thing that matters is that the baby is healthy.”

What is heard: “ You are being selfish and putting your desires above your child’s needs.”

No one will argue that a healthy baby and mother are the most important when talking about birth outcomes, but that does not mean they are the only important factors.  People often focus only on the child and forget that a mother is also made during birth. The way that the mother perceives and experiences her child’s birth affects not only her relationship with her child, significant other and care provider, but it can also affect subsequent births. 

A mother who already feels cheated out of her birth does not need to also feel guilty.  Even though you may not mean to evoke feelings of guilt by dismissing her feelings you inevitably do.

4-    What is said: “You can always try for a natural birth with your next child.”

What is heard: “ Try, try again”

First of all, who is to say that post-operative mom will have another child.  Maybe the surgery will leave her unable to conceive or carry another baby to term (two possible complications from cesarean), maybe birth ptsd will leave her mentally unsure she could handle another birth experience (yes, this is a real condition), or maybe she just flat out does not want another child. Weather she does or does not plan to have another child the possibility of a fulfilling birth experience does not heal the brokenness of a bad birth experience.  She must first heal before she can move on.

5-    What is said: nothing.

What is heard: “I don’t really care what happened. I am just here to see the baby.”

This can be the most hurtful of the ‘5 Don’ts’. What the mother needs more than anything is support not denial or ignorance. When someone says something, anything, uninformed support  is far above a complete lack of any. Now, you may just not know what to say or you may not know that she wants to talk about it, but open the door to her, support her and just listen. Talking through her story will help her heal.

The conclusion of this talks me back to something I constantly repeat. Women must come together and support each other. Our culture lacks this sisterhood bond that prevailed us and it is detrimental to, not only the birth process, but to friendships as well.